


Don't Call Him Baby

by trip21



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Triangle, M/M, On the Road Again Tour, One Direction Tours, Open Relationships, Where We Are Tour, canon until it isn't, larry stylinson - Freeform, ziam a little
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21777106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trip21/pseuds/trip21
Summary: Zayn loves Harry, Louis loves Harry, Harry is indecisive.This is a story told in two timelines, "Before" and "After."
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Harry Styles
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	1. Prologue

I walk to the edge of the stage and look out at the empty arena. I swallow and feel my eyes start to well with tears. I sniff and wipe them away as I hear a pair of feet clicking on the stage. I cross my arms as they take their time walking. They stop beside me. I keep my eyes forward.

"This is it, then?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"No."

"That is really unfair."

"Don't talk to me about unfair."

"Don't go."

My heart slides up into my throat and I pull my arms in tighter. His arm reaches to rest on my shoulder, but I slip from under it.

"I can't do this anymore. It's not just you."

"What is it then?"

"It's just too much for me. It's been so long, and it never stops. The wheels keep turning, even when I sleep. I've been moving so long and I have to stop." I let the memories roll over in my mind. Too many to really remember.

"I think we all feel like that."

"I'm not going to keep doing it. I can't keep doing it. I can't be here anymore."

He doesn't answer. We stand there. After a moment, he reaches over and tips my head towards his. His lips settle on my head and it feels like my skin cracks underneath their weight. My heart inches higher as I pull away. "Please, don't," I say, tears starting to fall.

"I'm sorry. For everything."

The sound of his feet begins to move away from me. I take one last look around the room after it goes silent. This is it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiii. this isn't the first thing i've written, but it's the first thing i've decided to post. hope you like it xx


	2. Louis, Before

My spoon clinks on the sides of the mug as I stir the tea.

"Morning," a gravelly voice says behind me. I turn around and smile at the tall, lanky mass whose eyes are still half-closed. 

"Morning, love." I take a sip of the tea that is still a bit too hot and see a smile spread across his face as he rubs his eyes. 

"It's too early," He says.

"We've got a flight to catch," I say.

"We always have a flight to catch." He says, dropping onto the sofa.

He's right. We're always being driven to airports, at random times, and flying to some other part of the world. I think Liam is the only one who really keeps up with where we are going. I tend to ignore it until we land.

"Yeah." I walk over to the sofa and run a hand through his soft brown hair. He grabs my face and kisses me hard. 

"How did you sleep?" I ask him.

"Fine. Wish I was still asleep." He lays his head back on the sofa and closes his eyes. 

"You can sleep in the car and on the plane. I'll wake you up to move around."

"Sounds good," He says, relaxing into the sofa more.

"Right now, you need to get ready. The car will be here in half an hour." I clap my hand on his leg and stand up.

"I've got plenty of time," he says, eyes still closed.

"I thought you wanted to have a shower." 

His eyes pop open. "Want to shower with me?" He says, with a grin.

"No, Harry, I don't." I laugh.

"You're rude." He says, walking into our bedroom. My phone buzzes in my pocket.

- _Is Harry awake?_

Liam is always worried that we're going to miss the flight. I type while letting the tea burn my mouth.

- _Yes, dad, Harry is awake and getting ready._

He replies almost immediately.

- _Good, see you guys in a bit._

There is a knock at the door. I walk and open it. A man in a suit stands at the door.

"Can I help you?" I ask.

"I'm here to pick up Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson."

"Oh, you're early," I say. "We'll be out in a bit."

"I was told to be here at 6:00 a.m."

"I thought it was 6:30?" I say.

"No, sir. 6:00. Your flight leaves at 8:00."

"Oh, shit. Okay, We'll be right out. Thanks." I close the door and run through the house. Harry is still in the shower when I barge in.

"We've got to leave now!" I shout.

"What?"

"Car's here, the flight is at 8, let's go!" I say, walking out of the bedroom

"Okay, I'm almost done. I thought the car would be here at 6:30?" He calls.

"I was wrong!" I say, slipping my feet into my black vans.

"Fucking hell, Louis," Harry says, towel drying his hair. 

In all of five minutes, we lock the front door behind us and slide in the black SUV.

By the time the plane gets into the air, Harry has laid his seat back and is asleep. His hair is still wet and is pulled back into a small ponytail that he has been wearing a lot as his hair grows.

"So what happened?" Liam asks.

"Nothing, I just got my times mixed up. I thought the car would be there at 6:30."

"At least you made it."

"Liam, it's not that big of a deal, you can chill out," I laugh. I didn't bother asking where we were going. It's fun to try to figure out where you are. Harry and I have made it a little game, and everyone is pretty good about not telling either of us. When we land, we look out the window, and we each guess. Sometimes we can see signs, or the airport, which gives it away, but usually it's just a field, near a city. It's the strangest feeling to guess that you're in Spain but find out that you're actually in Japan. 

The other boys are all asleep, and Liam is typing away on his laptop. It seems like we'll be flying for a while, so I lay my seat back to sleep as well. I look to my left and see Harry's soft face. I feel the same twinge of guilt that's been twinging for almost a year. I think back to when we first met, three years ago. He was so young. He'd never been with anyone before me. I was his first everything. First kiss, first date, first partner, first love. He wasn't any of that for me. He's just barely 20, and I've stolen his youth. 

I turn my head away from him and let my eyes close. 

Harry sort of shakes me awake a couple of hours later.

"The fuck?"

"Come on, guess!" He says, pointing out the window.

I rub my eyes and look into the field beside us. It is as nondescript as most fields beside airports. 

"Um. I'm gonna say... Germany." I think about beer, meat, and intense language.

"Why Germany?" He asks.

"Why not?"

"I'm gonna say Italy."

"I feel like you always say Italy."

"I like Italy," He laughs.

"Where are we?" I call.

"Stockholm," Niall responds.

"Yikes. We were way off." I say.

"Same continent, at least." 

We stand and make our way off the plane, and I barely notice when Harry's hand slides into mine. I do notice how my stomach twists when he gives my hand a squeeze. He still makes my head swim. Do I still make his? Would he recognize it if I didn't? His hand feels like a chain in mine and I let it drop.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah. Just an awkward angle," I smile back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you've enjoyed. i'll update again soon xx


	3. Zayn, Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small trigger warning for this chapter. nothing too bad, just wanted you to be aware xx

"Stockholm," Niall shouts to the back of the plane.

"I thought we were going to France?" I ask.

"That's next week, I think. After Copenhagen." He replies.

With that, my feet drag me out into Stockholm. The same whirlwind that has been swirling for years carries me to a large black car. I throw my things in the trunk and climb in, where Liam is already in conversation with the driver. I put my headphones in and let music swallow my mind as the car begins to move. I let my head rest on the window as we cross a large bridge into the city. We eventually arrive at a hotel, where a security team is waiting to quickly wrangle us into the building. The screams of fans drown out the music still streaming into my ears as we all move as fast as we can to get inside. 

It's always like this. Move quickly, avoid the crowd, don't cause a scene. We don't know how they always find us.

My throat feels dry as the hotel doors close behind us. One of our managers, Leah, leads us through the lobby, into an elevator. I pull out my headphones and she begins to speak.

"All right, Liam, Niall, Zayn, Harry, and Louis," She hands us each a room key as she says our names. Louis quickly pockets his.

"You guys have a few hours to relax, then we'll head over to the arena to soundcheck and record some vocals for the album, at 2 p.m."

No one answers her. The doors open, and we all file out into the hallway. 

"See you all in a bit," Leah says, as the doors close on the elevator.

I look down at the key in my hand and see "515." I drag my bag in the direction of an arrow on the wall and the boys all follow me. I find my room, and silently slip the key in. I close the door behind me and feel the weighty silence in the room. I drop my bag on a chair and lay back on the single, king-sized bed. The entire room is flat white. I let my eyes stare at the ceiling. Time drifts by and I let the bed swallow me down.

I wake up to a knock on the door.

"Zayn, We're gonna order some food, do you want anything?" Liam calls through the door.

I stand and open it, rubbing my eyes.

"Oh, sorry, mate. Didn't mean to wake you."

"No, it's okay. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Do you want to eat with us?"

I think for a moment and feel a few pricks of hunger in my stomach.

"No, I'm okay. What time are we leaving again?"

"2. Are you sure you don't want anything?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks though." I shut the door.

I glance at my watch and see that I still have some time to kill before we leave, so I decide to take a shower. I turn the water on and stand while it gets warm. It doesn't take long before the room is steaming up. 

I step in and feel the sharp heat on my skin. I don't turn it down. I stand there letting the water burn. The steam slithers into my lungs as I take deep breathes. I turn around and let the water run down the back of my head. I lather shampoo into my scalp and let my fingers dig into the skin. My nails lightly scratch the skin, and my nervous system wakes up. I let the soap slide down my back, and I notice my skin is bright red from the water. I turn the heat up a little bit and let it almost sizzle on my skin. I let the pain sink deep into my flesh. After a few minutes, I turn the water off and dry myself. 

I open the bathroom door so the rest of the steam can escape. I can already feel my skin tightening as it dries, so I slather on a fair amount of lotion and moisturizer. My skin feels mostly normal again, and it's still a fairly vibrant red. I press a finger into my arm and watch as the pale imprint slowly turns red again. There is another knock at my door.

I wrap my towel around my waist and answer the door.

"I know Liam said you didn't want anything, but I got you chicken teriyaki because I wasn't sure if you would have time to eat before the show tonight." Harry holds out a styrofoam box. 

"Oh, thanks..." I say, taking the box. 

His eyes glide across my skin. "Why are you so red?"

"I took a really hot shower," I say.

"I'll say," he smirks. His eyes go a little wider and he furrows his brows. "Uh, yeah, okay," He stutters, and his eyes shoot to the floor. "See you in a bit." 

"Thanks again," I say, but he doesn't answer. I close the door and set the container on the small table in the corner of the room. I sit down and watch the box. My stomach growls, but I don't move. I can almost taste the few crisps I had before bed last night. It wasn't much, but it silenced my stomach long enough to let me sleep. 

I look at the clock on my phone. 1:20. I hear the wind start whirling in the distance. It won't be long before it whisks me away again. I walk over to the box and drop it into the trash can. I turn the television on and let something in Swedish fill the silence in the room until I get a text at 1:55 saying that we're about to head downstairs. I get dressed and meet them all in the hallway.


	4. Harry, After

It doesn't sound right. It is simultaneously too much breathing and not enough. The boys have come to stay in our flat for a while. I'm not sure how long.

We're all spread around separate sofas and makeshift beds in the living room. I listen to all of their breathing in the darkness. Steady. Vacant. Lacking. I've been listening to this sound for years, now it's wrong.

I stare into the black above me. So far, I've done my best to keep him shut out, but not tonight. I open up and let his soft face settle into my mind's eye. I feel the crevasse in my chest split open, and the dams built in front of my eyes crumble. My hands clap to my face to try to conceal my sobs. I let his soft, golden face sit in my mind. 

I've heard people say that grief always comes in waves. That it's like walking into the ocean, and at first all of the waves catch you off guard and you don't know how to hold your balance, but you eventually learn to move with the ocean. That you learn to live with the waves of grief. To me, it feels like someone kicked my legs out from under me, but instead of falling towards the ground, I fell into the sky. I don't know how to move. I don't know how to breathe. I can see where I once was, but can't get back to it. 

Sobs continue to rip through me, and my mouth has gone desert-dry from my uneven breathing. I feel a cold, invisible hand slide across my belly, across my lower back, around my neck. My body remembers every trace of his fingers against my skin. A different, very real hand barely touches my side. I grab it, half expecting it to be him, but it's not. 

"Are you okay?" Liam whispers, his voice sounding weak.

Another round of thick cries ripples through me in response. In a moment, he's lifted me and is carrying me away from the others. He walks through our bedroom door and sets me gently on the bed.

"Harry..." his voice trails.

I rub the tears from my eyes and try to close the crevasse back up. I shut him out of my mind again and take several shaky breaths. I sit up on the edge of the bed, and Liam's thumb rests on my face. I look at him in the dark, while a few tears still slide down my cheeks. I think he's crying too. We don't say anything.

After a moment, he pulls me to stand and wraps his arms around me tightly. I let myself go again and cry into his shoulder. I feel his warm tears against my neck. I don't know how long we stand there. It was never supposed to end like this. I don't know if we'll all make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed and felt a little sad. got a longer chapter coming for you soon. xx


	5. Louis, Before

"What's wrong?" I ask him.

"Nothing, I'm okay," He says, continuing to stare out the window into the country that neither of us has guessed correctly. 

"Harry," I grab his hand, "I'd like to think that I know you well enough to know when you are lying. Why won't you talk to me about this?"

"You've just been acting weird, Lou. For weeks. Maybe even longer than that."

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno," He trails. "I guess I noticed it in Sweden. You just seem like you're always pulling away from me. It's like you're always here beside me, but you don't want to be."

His words linger between us. I think back over the past few weeks. I haven't been able to stop ruminating on everything I've taken from him. I've let myself drift from him more than I care to admit. But not because I don't want to be with him. I just think he deserves more. I let my eyes settle on the floor as we wait for the plane to stop moving. Once it does, He stands and waits for me to move. I can see it in his face. He's hurt.

"Can we talk about this in our room?" I ask.

"That's fine," He says, almost inaudibly. "We're in Portugal, by the way."

I don't answer.

Harry closes the hotel room door behind him, and silence hangs like a cloud between us. I drop my things and sit in a chair across the room.

"So..." I start.

"If you're going to break up with me, can you at least wait and do it until we're leaving tomorrow?" He asks.

"Harry, I'm not breaking up with you. And I don't want to break up with you if that's what you're thinking."

"Then what is it? I mean. You've never acted like this. You don't hide things from me. You don't keep quiet, or pull away, or wait until we are alone to talk to me. That is very not you at all."

"I just..." I start. "I feel really guilty."

"Guilty? About what?"

I play with the edges of my sleeves.

"I dunno. I just... You've never had a relationship other than me. I just feel like I stole your youth or something. Like I took everything you could have experienced as a single teenager."

He gives me a look. "What?"

"Like I feel like I've trapped you in a relationship because you don't know anything else than me. You don't know if you could want something else, because you only know what it feels like to be with me.

"Still sounds like you want to break up with me," He says, low.

"No, no. I'm just scared that you are going to resent me one day. Like you'll come to realize that you were stuck in a relationship for the prime of your teen years and resent me for taking your opportunity to explore yourself, or casually date, or sleep around if that's what you wanted to do. We've been together for 3 years, Harry, and you're only 19."

"How could I resent you? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." His voice is still low. Almost broken.

"I'm just scared. And I feel like you deserved to have those times."

"Maybe I don't want those times."

"Harry, you couldn't know that. Some of my favorite memories are from when I was a ratty little teenager."

"All of my favorite memories are with you..." He says, lowering himself onto the bed.

"That's what I mean, love. I don't think you ever got to do anything outside of me, and that's really unfair to you."

He sits for a moment. 

"So what do you want to do about it?" He asks.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean like this is obviously been enough that you've been pulling away. Like what do you want to do?"

"I don't know what to do. I just feel bad about it all."

"How long have you felt like this?"

I could just tell him since Sweden. It would be easier. Fairer to him.

"A little over a year, probably..."

"A year, Louis? And you never said anything?"

"I don't think it's an easy thing to say, Haz. Like 'Aye, Mate, I think I fucked your life up, but I'm still flat out mad for you and don't want us to break up, so sorry about it.''"

"You think you fucked my life up?" He looks at me with tears in his eyes. "How could you say that?"

"Harry, that's not what I meant," I say.

"That's exactly what you meant. I know you, Lou, you don't mince words or omit, or sugar coat, that's what you said, that's what you mean."

He's right, again. 

"I just want what's best for you," I offer.

"You thought this was best for me? You just told me that you think my life is fucked up and left it that way, Louis. You're my best friend and the person I trust the most, so if you feel that way, I'm not sure I can disagree with you. No one knows me as well as you do. What in the fuck am I supposed to do with this?"

"I'm really sorry, Haz."

"Please, don't patronize me. Do not offer your pet names or your apologies."

"Harry," I start, but he interrupts me.

"No, I don't want to do this any longer. If you think I'm so fucked up, offer me a solution." He stands and walks out the door.

Harry didn't speak to me on the way to the stadium or during soundcheck. I feel like shit. I shouldn't have said anything. Or at least waited until after the show. I'm sitting on the couch alone in my dressing room when Niall comes in.

"Are you and Harry okay? You guys were acting all standoffish, and it seemed weird." He asks.

"Oi, doing fucking great," I say, letting my eyes roll.

"Do you want to talk about it or?"

"I mean, I just said some fucked up shite, and he's angry with me, which he has every right to be. I stand by what I said though."

"What did you say?"

"Mostly that I thought I had fucked his life up by us being together when he was so young."

"Fucking hell, mate."

"Yeah.

"I take it he didn't like to hear that."

"Not really. He thought I was trying to break up with him, which I really wasn't and is not something I'm interested in doing at all, but yeah, we'll just say it didn't go over well. Seems like he's not talking to me until I find a solution."

"A solution? Like what?"

"I haven't the slightest clue. I don't know what would like, solve my guilt and give Harry the freedom to kind of have his own experiences with other people."

"Sounds like you're in quite a lovely spot, there."

"Yeah, it's fucking fantastic."

We sit in silence for a beat.

"I'm sure that you guys will be fine. If you'd like, I'll chat with him and see how he feels."

"Thanks, but that seems a little backhanded, to him, I think. He asked me to find a solution, so that's what I need to do."

Niall lets out a small laugh. "You know, you could always open up your relationship. Give Harry the 'freedom to have his own experiences with other people,' but you guys still stay together."

I look at him. "I think the last thing I need is to be worried that he's falling for someone else," I say, trying to laugh about it.

"You'll figure it out, Louis. It'll be fine." He claps his hand on my knee.

"Thanks, mate."

"No worries. Okay, I'm gonna go get ready for the show."

Niall leaves, and I pull out my phone and type out a quick message.

- _I love you, Harry._

He doesn't answer.


	6. Zayn, Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii. sorry for the long break, but hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. i was working quite a bit, and then did some traveling, but i'm back home now and still have a few days off of work, so i'm trying to write and post as much as I can. hope you enjoy. xxx

"I'm sorry, mate. That sucks." I offer, sipping my tea.

"Yeah, it's just... I hate it. and I don't know what to do. I didn't even mean to not talk to him either... but now it's been two weeks. Do you know how awkward it is to live with someone when you aren't speaking? It's absolute shit." He says.

"You're welcome to stay here if you'd like," I say.

"Thanks..." He looks down into his mug, "I think leaving would make it all worse. I hate this."

"So he just stopped talking to you as well?" I ask.

"I mean... sort of. But I told him to find a solution and didn't speak to him after, so he probably took it as 'don't speak to me until you find a way to fix this.' I feel like there something just around the corner waiting. It feels ominous and bad. I don't want to lose him."

"It feels that... dark?" I ask. "Why don't you just break the ice and talk to him if it feels this tense?"

His face falls flat. "I have nothing to say to him about it. He really hurt me."

I don't break the silence. I stretch my hand across the table and rest it on his wrist. His green eyes, shrouded in red, meet mine. He pulls away and takes a deep breath through his nose as he leans against the back of the chair. "How were your two weeks off?" he asks, definitively changing the subject.

"It was fine. Mostly stayed home. I wish it was longer," I say, knowing the whirlwind is waiting outside.

"Yeah, it would be nice to have more time off from touring. Or writing. Or recording."

"Yeah. It just never stops." I feel anxiety prickling in my chest. "The carousel keeps turning," I sort of laugh, remembering all the Grey's Anatomy we used to watch.

"It does keep turning. Hopefully, we can cope better than Ellis Grey did." Harry jokes. He slides off the flannel shirt he is wearing and lays it across the back of his chair.

"I don't think any of us are pregnant with a child from an extremely controversial affair." I laugh.

"You never know," He says, with a wistful smile.

My chest feels warm when Harry leaves. We don't hang out as much as we used to. Technically, we're around each other all the time, but it's all work. I remember when we were all kids, sitting on a staircase, screaming at a camera. Harry and Louis split off into their own thing quite early, but it was still the five of us. Friends, living out the strangest dream, in small theatres across the UK. Having fun. And then it was studios, and planes, and interviews, and never seeing my family, and Harry and Louis sliding farther away, and the dream that I felt like I was living melted into a blur of mundanity. The same cycle, over and over again. 

We thought we were looking into a crystal. Into beautiful carved glass. Into the diamond that everyone wants. But it was ice. Beautiful, but cold, hard, and worthless. I think I melted with it.

My mind starts to roll over itself and I can feel the pull of the wind in the distance.

My phone vibrates.

- _Want to grab dinner?_

I haven't seen Liam over the break.

- _Not sure if I want to go out the night before we start the next leg of the tour._

_-Takeaway?_

_-Sorry, I think I'll pass still._

_-Okay. See you tomorrow, Z._

I don't reply.

The zipper sound peels through the silence in my room as I close my luggage. I let out a small sigh, seeing the time on my phone. 6:25. The whirlwind is thundering towards me, in the shape of another black 4X4. I. have 5 minutes until it arrives. I feel my stomach gnaw against my abdomen. I pick up the bag and drag it to my front door on my way into the kitchen. I pull a bottle of water from the refrigerator and quickly swallow it down. The cold water settles into my stomach and I feel a bit better. 

I grab another bottle to take with me and notice Harry's flannel, laying on the floor, behind the chair. It must have slid off and he didn't notice it. I walk over and grab it, and his cologne wafts off of it as I pick it up. I slip my arms through the sleeves, and let it rest on my shoulders. It fits a little too big on me. I bring my shoulder close to my nose and take a deep breath of the warm and spicy vanilla. The smell is so familiar.

A knock sounds from the front door and I walk to meet the driver.

When I step up into the cabin, Harry calls from the back, "Hey! That's mine!"

"You left it on my floor, so I'm wearing it today," I say. 

Louis' eyes dart between us, and then his head drops back against the seat.

"You doing all right, mate?" Liam asks me.

"Yeah, fine. Why?"

"You just seemed a little weird last night."

"I'm fine. I just wanted to have my last night alone."

I settle into the seat and the plane speeds across the runway and into the air. I begin to let my eyes close, but before they do my phone vibrates.

- _It looks good on you._

_-I think it's a little bit big._

_-I like it._

_-Thanks for leaving it for me._

I feel the edges of my lips slide upward. My phone vibrates again.

- _Is harry doing okay? He isn't speaking to me._

I don't want to be in the middle of this.

- _I think so. He came over yesterday and told me about it all. I think he's just scared that whatever happens will end in you two breaking up._

_-I just can't figure out what he wants._

_-I think he doesn't want anything to have happened in the first place._

_-Me too._

I lock my phone and look out the window and watch as the earth slips further away. My phone vibrates. From Harry, again.

- _Where are we going?_


	7. Harry, After

I wish I could curse the sun for still shining. 

I would curse it for still pouring out the gold that shines across our bed in the morning. For sending light dancing softly across his cheekbones. For making his eyes a more vibrant blue. For reminding me what it looked like on brown eyes. For bringing back all of the mornings in hotels, draped in white sheets. For reminding me of the choices I had to make. For causing all of this. 

Louis' eyes peak open in the light. He looks at me and then yawns, stretching his hand out to me. It closes on my wrist and his thumb rubs across my skin. He sits up and pulls the duvet in close to him.

"Cold," he mumbles. I reach over and pull him into my chest. He holds onto me tightly. We stay there for a moment, still bathing in the gold light. Before I can really decide too, I kiss him. 

I kiss him so hard it hurts my teeth. His leg slides over my hips and I pull him in as close as I can. My hand slides around his waist, and press my fingers into the warm skin on his back. It feels like they might breakthrough. He breathes against my mouth and pushes me into his neck. My lips search the skin like it's the first time. 

This is the first time. A new first time. I remember our first time. It was soft. Delicate. Nervous. This is different. It's fast. Strong. Painful. He presses his hips down into mine as he pulls our lips back together. I dig my thumbs into the bones on his hips. I can feel them more than I ever could before.

"What?" He asks when I pull away.

"I can feel your hip bones," I say, looking down at them.

I slide my thumb across them and remember how it felt on him. How I should have fucking noticed. 

"Are you eating?" I ask.

"Not as much as usual... but I'm not like..." he trails off, sitting back on his heels. I don't know what to say.

"It's not anything like that, I promise," he says. "It's just hard for me to eat sometimes when I think about it all." 

"Please, Louis," I whisper.

"Haz, I promise," He pushes my face back up to his. The nickname stings. He slides his hand through my hair and the sunlight blares in our eyes. 

I still wish I could curse the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was vibing really hard to 'golden' while writing this if you can't tell. also, i love writing these short, one-scene harry chapters. they are soooo fun. xxx


	8. Louis, Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii all. had to do a lot of traveling this month, but i'm doing my best!!!! see you all again soon xxx

The match crackles and quickly burns out, after catching the end of my fag in a warm orange. I take a deep drag and the feeling of smoke begins to settle my stomach. 

Harry's eyes rest on me, waiting for me to break the month and a half silence. I was hoping the text would be enough, but his tight lips tell me that it wasn't. I push the smoke out through my teeth and flick the end of the fag, more out of nerves than need to ash.

"So," I mumble."I'll just be honest, I'm still not sure what to do." His shoulders drop, but a small smile slides across the edge of his lips.

"What?" I ask.

"I'm relieved, I think," He says, sliding his large hand through the curls hanging in his face. 

"Relieved because I don't know what to do?"

He looks up to the tops of the buildings we are standing between.

"Relieved because I thought you would just break up with me."

I take another long drag. "I literally have no reason to do that, Haz."

"It sounded to me like you thought that you did."

"No, it never crossed my mind once. I mean, I still think I have you kind of trapped, but."

"Louis," He says, his eyes rolling as he leans against the wall. "I'm not in a relationship with you against my will. You don't have me tied up, or locked away, or trapped."

"That's not what I mean!"

"Then what do you mean?"

"Harry, I told you this already. I feel bad because we started dating when you were really young." I take another long inhale on the fag.

"I'm not doing this again." He starts walking toward the tour bus.

"Harry," I call, but he keeps walking. I drop my cigarette, dig it into the ground with my foot, and follow him onto the bus. "Can you not walk away right now?"

"What do you want me to do then?"

"I want you to talk with me. Help me figure this out."

"I don't know what to figure out! You're the one who thinks my life is so fucked up."

"Harry Styles, I do not think your life is fucked up."

"That's literally what you said to me?"

"I've just not been able to explain myself well!" I rub my temples. He lets out a breath as he sits on the sofa.

"I know there is part of you that agrees with what I said, about you hating me someday," I say, surprised at how quiet it sounds compared to how loud we had been speaking. "I know that there is something in you that understands what I mean. Some part of you that wishes you had been single during the last three years." I drop onto the sofa next to him and let my elbows rest on my legs. He doesn't say anything.

"This is all going to be over one day. I feel acutely aware of that. And you are too talented for this band to be your end. Even if the fans didn't love you, you would still carve out an extremely successful career. You stand out in the five of us..."

"Louis, stop," He tries to interrupt.

"And I don't want to be the one who holds you back or the one who gets left in the dust, and I'm scared of that happening because I never gave you the opportunity to grow on your own."

I feel the tears starting to well up, so I pull my sleeves over my hands and wipe at my eyes. Harry pulls me back into his chest. I feel his mouth rest against my hair.

"Louis Tomlinson. No matter what happens with the band, or your career, or my career, I would never dream of leaving you in the dust. If we stay the biggest band in the world, or if the band breaks up tomorrow and neither of us stayed in music, I would want to be holding your hand."

I pull my legs up and lay them across his. My head settles against his neck and his long arms wrap around me.

"I just want you to be sure," I whisper.

"Why do you think I'm not sure already?" 

"Because it's a choice that you made before you realized there were any other options. I got to decide. I got to choose you. I get to choose you every day, knowing that there are other things out there. You don't have that, and it drives me crazy." His head rests on top of mine. "I just need you to do other things and explore and experiment and do it all, because it's not fair to you."

"Don't you think me doing that would be painful to watch?"

I let the question float in my mind. 

"I mean, of course, it would hurt. I think it's the best option though."

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?"

I lift my head off of him and let my eyes find the green that I've watched grow up. I nod.

"Okay, then. We can figure it out," He says, pulling me back into his chest.

We sit there for a beat.

"But we aren't breaking up, right?" He asks.

I let myself laugh.

Niall walks over to me, plucking the strings of his acoustic.

"Did you guys get everything sorted out, finally?"

"I think so, mate." I finally feel relief in my chest while we watch Harry air-drumming along with Josh, while the sound technician's voice bellows over the speakers.

"What did you end up doing?"

"Well... I think I opened our relationship? For him, at least. I'm not totally sure, I guess. I told him that he needed to experiment, but that we weren't breaking up." I shrug. Josh continues to repeatedly hit different toms and cymbals while the technician adjusts the levels in the stadium.

"I didn't think you'd actually do that," He laughs.

"Yeah, I didn't either," I say feeling a tinge of regret.

"Is he okay with it?"

"I mean. He seems open to the idea, but it might be for the sake of ending the silence. Do you think he would tell me if he wasn't open to it?" The drumming stops. 

"I think you know him better than any of us, Tommo," Niall shrugs.

"All right boys! Let's start with Niall." The technician calls through the speakers. 

Nialls sings into his mic and I look over at Harry, sitting on the edge of the stage. He looks back and winks at me. My stomach has a small turn, and I can't hold back the smile. He looks away, and it hits me. I could lose him.

Harry closes the door and I open the curtains to look out into Nashville. He slides his arms around my shoulders, leans down and kisses my ear. 

"I really missed you," He whispers.

I turn around and slide my arms around his waist. "Maybe you shouldn't have stopped talking to me," I smile. He rolls his eyes at me, his mouth matching my smile. He leans in and our mouths meet for the first time in almost two months. It pulls my heart up into my throat. 

"I really missed you, too," I say, feeling his forehead rest on mine. "I love you."

"I love you, Lou."

He grabs the back of my thighs and lifts me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist, while our lips meet again. I laugh against his mouth, and I feel his smile back. 

"We aren't leaving this room tomorrow," He laughs.


	9. Zayn, Before

We can hear the music pounding out on the sidewalk. 

"Oh, god, I don't want to do this," Harry says, taking in the large building. I'm still confused as to why he asked me to come with him, but I'm not mad about it. I haven't been out in a while and I love the anonymity that clubs offer.

"We don't have to, mate. We can just go back to the hotel if you want," I say.

"Louis said, 'Don't come back sober, or better yet, don't come back tonight,' so I don't think I have a choice really," He laughs, uncomfortably.

"It's a bit weird, innit? What you two are doing?"

"Yeah, but he's dead set on it. I mean, I'm not going to sleep with someone else, even though he really seems to want me too. I don't think I can bring myself to go that far. But I have to 'explore and experiment,'" He makes air quotes on the words. 

"I could just get you hammered, and take you back, so it at least looks like you tried," I laugh.

"Yes, let's go with that plan." 

With that, we walk through a back entrance that Leah arranged for us to use. No one checks our i.d.'s. No one notices us as we slide through the throng of people bouncing with the bass. Harry leads us to the bar and calls something across to the bartender. A moment later he spins around with two small glasses of a clear liquid and offers one to me.

"No, I'm here to make sure you get out of this safe!" I shout against the pulse.

"Drink it!" He yells back and shoves the glass in my hand. 

"This is the only one!" I say, taking the shot from him.

"To exploring and experimenting!" He shouts, rolling his eyes and lifting the glass.

"Cheers!" I laugh and quickly swallow the contents. My head shakes as the liquid burns it's way down into my stomach and Harry turns back around to the bar. My eyes dart across the large room. Bright pink and blue lights glide across the sea of faces but never linger long enough to reveal noticeable features. The song effortlessly transitions and the crowd continues to move with the music. We could never be in any other public setting like this, but here we're just two normal people. Anonymous faces. A smile crawl across my face.

"If I have to be here, we're dancing!" Harry yells with a grin that betrays his earlier disdain. My mouth opens to protest, but laughter escapes instead as he pulls my hand and we dive into the crowd. The music throbs louder in my chest the further we get, and we start to blend into everyone's movement.

I don't notice when Harry's hand drops away from mine. It feels good to be lost, so I don't look for him. Arms and shoulders rub against me as we all move together. I barely notice as the music changes and guides me through time as it ebbs and flows. My head rolls back and I lock eyes with myself. The mirrors on the ceiling make me feel like I'm floating. I can see myself when lights swipe across my face, but when they don't, I'm just part of the crowd.

A hand grips my hip and pulls me against a large square frame that feels suspiciously like Liam. I break eye contact with myself and find the person attached to the hand. His eyes are almost black and rust-coloured curls hang in them loosely. My eyes follow the sharp angles and find the devilish smile of a mouth almost too big for his face. I let him turn me towards him, and rest my hand on his neck. Our hips fight against the beat, and his head drops to my neck. His breath drips onto my skin and sends a ripple of chills down my back. 

I slide my hand into the curls on top of his head. I let my eyes close as he presses his lips hard against my neck. My eyes close and another smile break out on my face. He lifts his lips to my ear, and his deep voice pierces through the booming of music.

"What's your name, lovely?"

I turn my mouth into his ear and reply, "It doesn't matter."

He pulls back and his eyes jump around my face, and then his mouth lays against mine. He wastes no time, pushing his tongue into my mouth, and he tastes like alcohol and peppermint. He moves sloppily against me and I let him. I'm not going to sleep with this boy. I know that, but this is fun. I haven't had fun in a long time. I savor the taste of his mouth when he pulls away. 

"Gonna get us a drink," He says.

Once he slips away from me, I decide it's time to find Harry. I begin to move through the crowd and search. It's normally kind of easy to find the 6-foot tall boy in a crowd, but I'm having a hard time. I continue looking and find my way back to the edge of the bar where we started the evening. I stay there and try to search through the crowd, but it's very hard to see with the lighting. I pull my phone out, and the light burns my eyes. I turn the brightness down and see 4 texts and 2 missed calls.

- _Where did you go?_ at 11:15 p.m. from Harry.

- _Zayn?? Hello?_ at 11:54 p.m. from Harry.

Missed call at 12:15 p.m. from Harry.

-z _eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_ at 12:25 a.m. from Harry.

Missed call at 1:00 a.m from Harry.

- _am pretyy druinj nd read to goooo_ at 1:57 a.m. from Harry.

Shit. I type back.

- _Sorry, mate. Where are you?_

He sends several replies.

- _tioles_

_-tulent_

_-TOELNTS_

_-bathrim_

I lock my phone and ask the bartender where the bathrooms are. He points to a far corner of the club, and I push my way through the people. I walk in and find Harry sitting on the floor.

"Are you ready to go?" I laugh.

"Where did you go?" he asks, his words melting together.

"I didn't move from my spot in the crowd, we just got separated."

"'m ready to go. Drunk enough for Lou," He smiles.

"All right then, let's get you back." I reach a hand out and he flops his hand in mine like a fish. I pull him and he stands like a newborn animal to his very lanky legs. I throw his arm around me and we walk out of the bathroom and fight through the crowd to the back entrance that we used earlier. Outside, we climb into the black SUV that has been waiting since it dropped us off nearly three hours ago. Harry lays his seat completely back as the driver silently pulls away from the curb.

"Harry, do not throw up in this car, do you hear me?" The only time I've ever seen him puke was when he was drunk.

"'m not gonna. Just tired."

The driver cuts his eyes at me in the rearview mirror, and I nod, acknowledging that I won't let him throw up in the car. 

As I drag Harry out of the SUV, he mutters, "Don't feel good."

"Harry, if you throw up on me, I swear to god."

The second I get out from under him, He doubles over on the pavement and vomits.

"Thank you for holding it," I say.

He wipes his mouth on his sleeve and cuts his eyes at me, through his chocolate curls.

"Are you going to throw up again, or are you good to go inside?"

"One and done," He says. "Like always."

I laugh and slide his arm around my neck. 

"Do you have your room key?" I ask as we walk through the doors of the hotel.

"Lou always keeps them."

"Okay, did you tell him that we were on our way back?" 

"Nooooooo," He sings.

When we get to there room, I knock on the door. After no answer, I slide my phone out and call Louis and it goes to voicemail. Harry is leaning on his forehead against the wall and his arms are dangling toward the ground. I try to call Louis again but still no answer.

"This carpet is quite pretty," Harry mumbles.

I look down at the floral pattern. "Yeah, It's quite nice." Louis isn't answering, so I guess you're staying in my room tonight, I'll stay with Liam." 

"Nonononono, you don't have to do that," he slurs.

"Come on, lad." 

I guide him into my room and drop him disgracefully on the bed. He flops his arms above his head, and his barely buttoned shirt slides up, revealing the edges of the leaves that decorate his hips.

"I'm tired." He says, letting his eyes clothes. His feet start lightly kicking erratically. "No shoes," he whines.

I laugh at him. "Okay, all right, stop kicking for a second," I pull on the heel of his black Chelsea boots and drop them to the floor.

"Do you need anything else before I go?" 

"Just tired," He says, crawling up to the pillows. I grab the bottle of water sitting in the basket beside the t.v. and set it on the nightstand beside him. 

"There's water beside you if you need it, Call me if you need anything else,'' I say, but he is already starting to snore. I'm amazed at how quickly he falls asleep.

I walk out the door and slide the extra key that Liam always gives me out of my wallet.

"What the fuck?" Liam calls.

"Sorry, It's just me," I answer, "I figured you would be asleep."

"I was just about to go to bed," He smiles at me. We stand in silence for a moment.

"Harry is passed out in my bed, so I figured I would come over here."

"Are you okay?"

"I think I am right now. We had a really good night." I think for a moment. "Well I had a good night, and Harry got really drunk and ended up sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for me to get him so we could leave."

"Is he okay?" 

"Oh, yeah, totally fine. Louis made him go out, so I went with him."

"You never go out, though!" He says, looking surprised.

"I know. He asked me, so I thought I would tonight."

"You had a good time though?"

"I did. It was really dark, and I felt anonymous. No one recognized me. No one knew my name."

"Sounds quite weird to me."

"It was very weird. The ceiling had mirrors on it, and I had this moment where I could see myself in the crowd, and I was just one of them." Liam throws back the duvet and lays on the bed. I take my shoes off and lay beside him. "It was all very strange. Like a dream that I didn't want to wake up from."

"I'm glad you had a good time." He turns off the lamp, and darkness swallows the room. I turn onto my side, facing away from him. His hand lands on my ribs and slides down to my hip. 

"I'm also glad you're here with me," He says quietly.

I roll over and lay my head on his chest.

"Yeah," I say, and close my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally got something a bit longer out. hope you enjoy xx


	10. Harry, After

I lift the lid on the keys of the brown upright piano in our living room. I stare at the black and white for a moment. I haven't sung or played in about a month. I press down a key, but it doesn't sound right. I hit a few more, and it's awkward and dissonant. It's quite out of tune. 

It's fitting. Everything is discordant now. Nothing fits exactly together. There is no balance. No harmony. Just tension. I rest my elbows on the keys, and several notes clash through the living room. I look at the awards and records that hang on the wall above me. They are all pointless. Vapid. I can't even remember what awards are from whom, or when the records went platinum.

Louis walks through the front door carrying several canvas bags. 

"Hi, love," He says.

"The piano's out of tune," I reply.

"We'll have to find someone to come tune it," He says, carrying the bags into the kitchen. I continue looking at the wall of awards. Louis' footsteps glide across the hardwood and his hand slides through my now short hair.

"I kind of miss your hair," he starts, " but this length looks so good on you." 

I reach back and pull his hand down to my chest and lean back into him, letting my fingers slide across the tan skin on his arm.

"I wish everything was just normal again," I say, my eyes dropping from the wall back to the piano.

" I know, love," He says, running his other hand through my hair. It feels so good."Will you help me put the groceries away?" 

I stand from the bench and follow him into the kitchen. 

He closes the refrigerator and leans against the white marble counter when we finish. He reaches out and pulls me into his small frame. My arms rest on the counter behind him and I let my head sink into its favorite place, his neck. 

"Are you doing okay, Harry?" he says, low.

I breathe for a moment. 

"It just feels like everyone is moving on, but I don't know how to. Everything still feels wrong." I say. My eyes prickle with tears, and he laces his fingers together behind my back. 

"You don't have to move on until you're ready," he says.

I squeeze my arms a bit tighter and press my face a bit harder into his neck.

"Do you want to go lay down?" he asks.

"It's 3 in the afternoon?" I reply.

"Come on," he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. He pushes off the counter and pulls me with him. We get into the room and he pulls off his shirt and trousers and climbs up into the bed from the bottom. I crawl in beside him and drop onto his chest.

"We're going to be all right, love," He says, while I settle my face back into his neck.

"I know," I say, kissing his collar bone.


	11. Louis, Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a bit of sexual content today, just fyi. also, i'm thinking of looking for a beta reader, if anyone would be interested? it would include this work and another piece i'm working on, and maybe some other bits? we can chat if anyone cares, lol xxx

My body starts to wake up, but my eyes protest. I stretch and reach over for Harry's back, but I only find the sheets. I turn over and see his empty side. I don't think I've woken up alone in two and a half years. I grab my phone and see a couple of missed calls from Zayn. I tap Zayn's name and the phone starts ringing.

It takes a moment, but Liam's gravelly voice answers, "Hello?"

"Uh, hey... is Zayn there?" I ask, confused.

"He's asleep," he answers.

"Okay... Do you know if Harry came back with him?"

"He did. Slept in Z's room. I can give you the key if you want. Zayn said he was quite drunk."

"Okay, I'll be right there." I tap the red circle, throw on a pair of gray joggers and a t-shirt, and walk down the hall. My knuckles bounce on Liam's door and he opens it, handing me the key.

"Thanks, mate," I say, eyeing past him into the room. "So Zayn stayed with you last night then?"

"Yeah," he replies.

"I thought he ended things between you two?"

Liam's cheeks go a faint pink. "Uh, I mean, it wasn't like that. And we didn't have 'things' between us either."

"Riiiight," I say, giving him a wink.

"We didn't!" He snaps.

"Suuuuure, mate," I laugh, walking back up the hall to Zayn's room. I slide the card into the door, it clicks, and I walk in. Harry is sprawled across the bed, with both feet hanging off the end, and his shirt unbuttoned. I look at his chest for a moment, surveying the plethora of black that decorates the tan but still pale skin. I remember each trip. Each plan. I smile a bit, thankful that it seems no one else saw them last night. His breathing is the only thing I can hear in the room, just like always.

"Haz," I whisper, laying my hand on the soft skin just beneath his butterfly. He doesn't move.

"Hazza," I whisper again, giving him a small shake.

"Mmm," he moans.

"Did you drink a lot last night, love?" I ask, still being quiet.

"Shhhhh," He whispers.

"Is that a 'let me sleep,' or an 'I'm hungover,' shushing?" 

He nods a yes.

"Do you want to come back to our room?" 

He nods another yes.

"All right, let's move quickly so you can sleep more. We've got one more show tonight before our break, remember?"

He lets out a sigh. 

"I know, love, come on," I say, grabbing his hand. I pull him up, and he stands off the bed, eyes still mostly closed.

I all but drag him through the hallway back to our room, and help him into the bed. He starts pulling at his rolled-up sleeves.

"Do you want me to help you get undressed?" I ask him. He whines in response. I don't think he's opened his eyes at all. I pull at a sleeve and he rolls across the bed and out of the shirt. I slide the remaining sleeve off his arm and toss it on the floor. He digs his face down into the pillows on my side and a smile creeps across his mouth.

Harry looks like he might puke.

"Still doin' all right?" I ask, laughing. He rolls his eyes and swallows down a large gulp of water.

"Why did we have to be an arena touring band, with loud drums and guitars and screaming? Why couldn't we all have been a different kind of famous?" He asks, his feet dangling off the edge of the stage.

"I think most versions of fame are loud, love. Just keep drinking water, and I'll get you some more ibuprofen after soundcheck." 

"Okay lads, let's run the chorus of 'Live While Were Young,' for a bit so we can dial in everyone's in-ear mix," Mark, our head sound engineer, suddenly speaks in our headphones. Harry drops his head into his hands and lets out a light-hearted sigh and a small laugh.

We start into the song, and Mark speaks again.

"Louis, Liam, we'll start with the two of you."

I ask them to bring the drums down a bit in my ears and pull Harry's vocals up. I always keep him at the top of my mix. Harry reaches to his back and turns down the small knob on the monitor pack. We sing through the chorus, at full volume, several times, as Mark mixes. Finally, Mark speaks again, "All right, everyone good then?"

We all throw up a thumbs up. 

"Great!"

We all walk back into the green room that's been set up for us. I sit down and Harry kicks his shoes off and curls his long body onto the remaining portion of the sofa. His head lands in my lap and his eyes immediately shut. Zayn throws his jacket and backpack across the arm of another sofa and walks into the bathroom. 

"Do you guys want to come back to the hotel with us?" Liam asks.

"When are you going?" I reply.

"Like now, I think."

"I think we'll just stay here, so he can relax, " I say, gesturing to Harry.

"You guys ready to walk the mile back to the cars?" Zayn asks as he walks back out of the bathroom.

"Yeah. Louis and Harry are staying here," Liam answers. Zayn looks over at us.

"That's why I told you I was only having the single shot," He laughs.

Harry raises his middle finger in Zayn's direction. They laugh and leave.

"Zayn didn't drink with you last night?" I ask Harry.

"I made him take a shot with me, but he was adamant about not drinking, other than the shot."

"He stayed with Liam last night," I say, raising my eyebrows and pursing my lips.

"Oh, yeah. I remember him telling me that I could sleep in his room and he would stay with Liam."

"Why didn't you come back to our room?"

"Uuuh. I think I tried too... but couldn't get in, I think?" 

"That's why I had missed calls from Zayn?"

"Yes, I believe he tried to wake you up."

"How late were you guys out?"

"Not super late. We were only at the club for a few hours. Probably would've left sooner, but I couldn't find Zayn."

"Couldn't find him?"

"Nope. We got separated on the dancefloor at one point. I looked and looked, but there were so many people. I called and texted him too, but he didn't see them."

"The fuck was he doing the whole time?"

"I've no idea. I assume He was still in the midst of all the people. I just kept drinking and figured we would find each other eventually."

"Did he not try looking for you?" I ask, letting my voice raise a little higher than it needed too.

"I don't know, but it's not a big deal. He saw my messages eventually, and we left."

"I mean, you could have been dead? And he wasn't even trying to find you? The fuck is wrong with him?"

"Hey, calm down. You don't know that he wasn't looking for me. It was REALLY crowded. And I wasn't dead, I was fine."

"Yeah, but you might not have been. He wasn't even drinking, for fuck's sake!"

He sits up and faces me. "Lou, it's really okay. I'm fine, and he's fine, and no one died or got hurt. It's okay."

I rub my index finger across my lip. "I don't think that's okay."

"Okay, well I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. We just got a little lost. Nothing to get mad over." He leans over and kisses my temple. His lips are dry on my skin. 

"I'm glad nothing happened," I say, and press my lips against his. He presses back a little bit harder and I can't help but smile. 

"Are you feeling any better?" I ask, pulling away. 

"I still feel dehydrated, and cloudy, and my head is killing, and I'm very nauseous, but I'm alive," He half laughs.

"Oh, yeah, let me get that ibuprofen." I walk over to my backpack and find the bottle of pills and bring him three, along with a new bottle of water from the pack on the counter.

"Thanks," he says and swallows the pills in one large gulp. He closes the water and pats both of his hands on his lap. I take the hint and place one knee on each side of him. His hands arrive at home on my hips, and mine rest on the soft flesh at the base of his neck. His fingers press into my side, and mine crawl up his neck, behind his ears, and into the soft brown hair. He bites on his bottom lip and the smile that has been haunting my dreams for 4 years blooms on his face. My chest tightens as it appears, and I awkwardly rock my self closer to him. His hands slide around my back and that damn smile blooms even wider.

I pull his head up to mine and kiss him again. Our lips move slowly, knowing every crevice of one another. I feel his hands move to my thighs and he whispers, "You will always make me feel better."

His voice sends cracks through my heart. I kiss him again and let my hips roll lightly against his. He lets his mouth open a bit, and his hand leaves my thigh to find another place on my neck. I let my tongue slither into his mouth and his fingers close in my hair. His other hand slips under my t-shirt and presses into my back. His hips press up and I pull away from him. He looks up at me and his grin is entirely too broad. I turn his head and press my lips against his neck, and let my lips climb up to his ear.

"Let's see how much better I can make you feel."

"Here?" He asks, laughing.

"No one else is here. Just us," I smile, unbuttoning his jeans and sliding my hands up his chest, sliding the black shirt over his head. 

"Louis Tomlinson," He sighs, dropping his head against the sofa.

"At your service," I reply, climbing off of him. He lifts his hips off the couch, and my hands slip beneath the waistband of his jeans and boxers, and I slide them both off in one pull. Normally I would take my time, but the ramifications of the month and a half of no sex have yet to subside. I try to press a kiss on his thigh, but my mouth decides to not waste any time. A short series of expletives drip out of Harry's mouth, and my gaze inches up his abdomen until I meet his eyes. His hand grabs a handful of hair and he breathes out my name. It's a wine that will always make my head spin. 

Harry pulls my hand up to his mouth and kisses my fingers. He then slips 3 of them into his mouth and runs his tongue across them. I stop my movement and watch him as his tongue swirls around my fingers. He looks back down at me and moves his hips, and I let my mouth move with them.

"ohmygodi'msosorry," a voice shatters through the fog between us. Harry practically rips a handful of my hair out pulling me off of him and he dives off the couch.

"What in the fuck?" I yell grabbing my head and snapping my head toward the door. Zayn's eyes are squeezed tightly shut as he feels around on the couch by the door.

"I forgot my backpack and my jacket, I'm so sorry, I'm leaving," he says in one word, finding the items and grabbing them and the door quickly clicks closed again.

"Maybe you should fucking knock, dickhead!" I yell towards the door, "And you didn't have to rip my fucking hair out."

"It was an accident!" 

I look over at him, on the floor with just socks on, and laugh.

"What?" He says, now wiggling his ass in the air and looking back at me.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Kinda hot, getting caught, wasn't it?" He arches his back, and Zayn's intrusion slips right out of my mind.


	12. Zayn, Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. depression is a beast I've not learned how to conquer and it seems i've lost another few months of my life to it, but i'm going to keep going. hope you are all well. xx

I click the seatbelt as I drop my head into my hands. I try to block the image of Harry splayed out, but it sits on the top of my head and almost feels like a crown.

"Y'alright, Z?" Liam asks.

"Yeah, just a bit of a headache," I say, feeling the pressure of the image once again, and almost wishing that I was there with him.

The drive back is only a few minutes, but the time drips by like syrup, and every second I can't resist imagining myself between his legs instead of Louis. I try to press the thoughts back and hold them off until I'm alone in my room. Liam's eyes catch mine, and a small confused smirk crawls across his face because he can read me like tarot. I let my eyes dart back through the windshield, and feel his hand grab my thigh, as the vehicle pulls into the hotel.

It's a short walk back up to my room, but Liam silently follows me into the room.

"Is this okay?" He asks, wrapping an arm around my waist. I let my lips press into him as a reply. 

I usually feel uncomfortable on stage. Tonight, it's magnified. Every time I glance over, Louis is giving me some sort of squinty-eyed glare. I can't even look at Harry. Embarrassment constantly creeps it's way up into my throat and it feels like my face is red for most of the show, remembering the visions of Harry that floated through my head while Liam and I fucked. When the confetti cannons finally go off, I feel relieved, knowing I won't have to look at either of them for much longer. One day, it might be a funny story, but today, it's awful.

I walk off the stage and Louis skips up to me.

"You looked super uncomfortable out there tonight, mate." He says, with a tight-lipped smile.

"Lou, it was an accident," I say, letting the last syllable drag.

"I'm sure it was," He claps a hand on my shoulder and walks off. 

In the car, Harry slides into the seat beside me. I can't work up the courage to look at him.

"So," He says low.

"So," I reply, head staying forward

"How much did you see?" He asks.

"A lot," I say. "I mean, I wasn't watching, but like..." I say. I'm so uncomfortable.

"Peeeeerfect," He says, laughing.

"It was really an accident," I say, covering my face.

"I mean, I don't think that you had planned to watch me getting a blowjob," he awkwardly laughs.

"What?" Liam and Niall shout in unison, and I hope a moment of clarity doesn't hit Liam.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" I say into my hands, and Harry laughs.

"Zayn walked in on us earlier," Louis says, sounding annoyed.

"I was the only one who had been spared. The last of the innocent," I whine.

"Welcome to the club, mate," Liam says.

"I don't think he's a part of your club, Liam," Harry jokes.

"Liam did see full penetration," Niall replies.

"Let's not," Liam says, turning back around.

"What? It's not any worse than the shit that we have heard from you two when you're hooking up," Louis quips, waving his finger between me and Liam, and my face burns.

"Uh, I," Liam stutters as Niall's laughter fills the car.

I feel like I could curl up and die. "Can we change the subject, if anyone in this vehicle cares for my emotional health and sanity, PLEASE change the subject," I beg. Harry's hand rubs across my back as I fold over in the seat, and it feels better than it should.

"Yeah, I think that's for the best," Liam says.

"Oh, I'm sorry, does it make you uncomfortable when your sexual activity is discussed in front of everyone, _Daddy_?" Louis leans into the word, and I swear my skin melts off my body. 

"Louis," Harry tries to stop him.

"No, Let's discuss it!" Louis says, "They want to discuss us so let's talk about how often we hear Zayn begging for his _Daddy_ to fuck him?"

"Oh my fucking god," slips out of my mouth.

"Louis, that's enough," Harry snaps.

"Whatever," He rolls his eyes. and the air that is left in the car is so thick that I feel like I can't breathe.

I never thought I could feel this humiliated. No one speaks as we walk to our rooms. I let my eyes trace the floor in the elevator and in the hallway, slip the key into my door, and quickly shut the door behind me. A knot forms in my throat and I feel the prickling of tears in my eyes. My phone vibrates, and I see the short message from Liam.

- _Are you okay?_

I type back.

_-I mean, what am I supposed to say? I'm so embarrassed._

I wipe my eyes and lay down. I turn the tv on and let the noise half fill the room. A few moments later there are a few quick raps on the door. I answer and Liam stands there scratching the back of his neck. I leave the door standing open, walk back, and drop back onto the bed.

"Why did you come over here?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says, closing the door behind him. "I just thought it might make you feel better if I was here."

It's really sweet. Liam is always doing things like this. 

"This isn't like... a thing, Li. Like I'm not upset about it, you know, just embarrassed."

"You seemed upset. I mean, You have every right to be. I'm kind of upset about it."

"Why are you upset?"

He lets a small chuckle out. "You weren't the only one that he was talking about, you know. It was about me too." Oh. Shit. 

I don't answer him, and he just stands there, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and he looks strangely defeated.

"I'm gonna go," He says, the crack in his voice betraying the nonchalance he is trying to have.

"Liam, don't," I protest.

"No, I am," He says, walking out the door. I don't get up to follow him.


End file.
